


Dealing With Willful Lack Of Understanding, James May-Style

by rosied



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Multi, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 10:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3115931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosied/pseuds/rosied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James goes above and beyond the call of duty in his efforts to mediate between Jeremy and Richard, with a little help from Andy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dealing With Willful Lack Of Understanding, James May-Style

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vivian Moon (vivian_moon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivian_moon/gifts).



> Written for vivian_moon as part of the TGS Secret Santa challenge.
> 
> Prompts:  
> 1) One of the boys accidentally comes out to the others when they're drunk by telling a story that involves an ex-boyfriend.  
> 2) One of the boys made a drunken pass at one (or both?) of the others, then ran off before they'd got over the surprise. He's been avoiding spending time alone with them since, but then they get trapped together by bad weather.

James sat in the pub and contemplated his glass of Coke morosely. His two co-presenters were getting steadily drunker, and were well into their usual pastime of mocking his hair, his shirts, his driving, his sense of direction, his assumed gayness. If only he were drunk too he'd have loosened up enough to retaliate in kind, but having lost the latest challenge race he'd been saddled with the job of designated driver, so was completely sober and lost for words. Why had he been stupid enough to bet on a race – he always lost the races.

_Next time,_ he thought, _I'll challenge them to something I stand a decent chance of winning, something like who makes Andy shout the least number of times in a production meeting – that should be a sure-fire winner for me._

Jeremy suddenly leaned forward mid-insult and said, “There's something I've been meaning to tell you two.”

James instantly gave Jeremy his full attention, whereas Richard seemed to be having some difficulty adjusting from silly to serious mode.

“You know I said I got the flat in Town to cut down on commuting?”

“Yes,” said Richard with a snicker, “though you've spent all your time since complaining that getting through the traffic jams takes longer than the commute!”

“Yes, fine, whatever! But my point is, that's not the only reason. Francie and I have decided that we should have a trial separation for a while. We still love each other, but we're more like sister and brother these days. We just need to spend time apart to get used to the situation.”

“Wow, I'm sorry to hear that, mate!” said Richard.

“Same here,” agreed James. “Look, any time you feel like some company you're welcome to come over to my place – the spare bedroom's always available, as long as Richard's not staying over, that is.”

“Thanks, James – I'll bear that in mind. But for the moment I need to get used to living as a single man again. I'm totally out of practice at things like cooking, laundry, cleaning – all that fun stuff!”

“I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that,” James observed, “especially the cooking. I hope you've invested in a fire extinguisher!”

“I'll have you know that I'm an excellent cook!”

 “Was that 'cook' or 'cock'? I remember that Gordon Ramsay program you were on!”

“Oh, very funny! You're just gloating because you beat him!”

“Of course I am! You'd do the same!”

Richard interrupted the argument. “So I guess you're going to be joining James in the dating game, then? I'd better warn all the single ladies to get their running shoes on with both of you on the hunt!”

James rolled his eyes at this, but Jeremy took the question seriously.

“Yeah, I suppose so. I'm honestly not looking forward to it, though - the last time I was dating was while I was with the old Top Gear.”

“Anyone we know?” asked Richard.

“Maybe.”

“Come on, James!” exclaimed Richard. “Let's have a guessing game! I reckon it was Vicky.”

“No,” answered James, “she didn't start presenting till 1994.”

“How about Julia?”

“No, she was on with me.”

Jeremy was sitting back in his chair with his arms folded and a big 'you're-never-going-to-guess' grin on his face.

Richard said, “I know! It was Quentin Wilson!” He giggled into his pint glass.

“Oh, come on! I've got better taste in men than that!”

James and Richard boggled at him for a moment, then realisation dawned simultaneously.

“TIFF??!!”

“What if it was?” demanded Jeremy.

“Well, er... it's just that it's something we'd never have guessed about you, that's all,” James said, then added hastily “...not that there's anything wrong with it, of course.”

“Hey you guys, I've got a great idea!” exclaimed Richard. “See, if Jeremy swings both ways, you and me could take him on, James! We work together all the time, so it'd be really easy to get together, and it'd save both of you the time and trouble of trying to find someone who'd actually go out with you! I think we'd be really good together, don't you?”

James was looking at Richard in horror. _What does he think he's playing at? Turning it into a joke is the worst approach possible!_ But as Richard stumbled on with his proposition, James began to realise that he actually wanted the three of them to get together. Looking over at Jeremy, he could see from the anger that was obviously building that Jeremy did NOT realise that Richard was sincere. _Oh cock, this isn't going to end well! What can I say to make it work out?_

It was too late.

“Oh thank you so much, Richard. Here I was thinking I could open up to my best friends, and you throw it in my face! Forget I said anything.” Jeremy got up, swaying unsteadily. “I'll just leave then.”

“Wait, Jez!” cried James.

“Don't bother with the ride, James, I'll get a taxi.”

“That wasn't... what I was going to say.”

Jeremy had left without stopping to listen.

James turned to Richard, who was staring after Jeremy as if the man had just slapped him.

“Rich...”

Richard jumped to his feet. “Back in a minute, gotta pee.” He rushed off in the opposite direction to the one Jeremy had taken.

James buried his head in his hands. “Oh, cock!”

Eventually Richard came back from the bathroom. He drained his glass and said “Don't know about you, mate, but I'm ready to call it a night.”

James studiously ignored his red-rimmed eyes. “Yes, good idea. I think we've all had enough one way or another. ” He busied himself hunting for his car keys as they went out to the car park, hiding the fact that he'd managed to find them much quicker than usual.

The drive back to Hammersmith was made in silence, with not so much as one insult about the Panda coming from Richard. It made the journey seem to last much longer than usual, but they finally got back to James' house. James let them both in and locked up for the night with his usual care.

Once he was done, he turned his attention to Richard. “Rich, I don't think Jezza understood...”

Richard interrupted him. “I don't want to talk about it, James. Just forget it ever happened. That's what I'm going to do. I'm knackered and I'm going to get ready for bed. G'night, mate.” He disappeared into the bathroom.

James sighed and went to get the bottle of Anadin. He put it on the bedside table in the spare room along with a glass of water.

When he got up the next morning, Richard had already left. There was a note on the kitchen table – ' **Thanks for the Anadin! See you at the studio.** '

 

********************

 

Andy had called a production meeting that morning. James was the first to arrive, then Jeremy. While they were chatting idly, James kept trying to talk about the previous night's conversation, but Jeremy changed the topic each time, very adroitly for someone claiming to have a terrible hangover. Finally he just said he didn't want to talk about it, and James gave up for the time being.

When Richard arrived, Jeremy immediately left the room, saying he needed a cigarette. He invited James to join him, but James declined. Richard looked upset but started chatting idly with James. James tried to bring up the previous night's conversation with him, but Richard said once more that he didn't want to talk about it, and James gave up for the time being.

When Jeremy came back, Richard ostentatiously ignored him, then decided he needed a smoke break himself. He invited James to join him, but James declined, feeling a gradually-increasing need to bang his head against the Portakabin wall.

As soon as everyone was present, Andy announced it was time to start the meeting. Jeremy and Richard sat at opposite ends of the room and both looked at James as if expecting him to join them.

There was no way James was going to venture into THAT minefield. He dropped into the open seat next to Iain. “Just thought I'd give you a heads up that I've come up with some really good ways to get you back if you con any hotel staff into giving you my suite again on the next road trip. Sim Oakley helped with the brainstorming and he's very inventive, so you'll be in really big trouble if you try it on.”

Iain smiled evilly. “Don't forget who's going to be holding the camera – I could find some very unflattering angles to film you from if I tried, May.”

James laughed. “I'm sure I'd be really worried if I thought you could find any flattering angles to film me from! You'll have to do better than that, May.”

Andy called everyone to order tersely, his eyes darting suspiciously between the three presenters. James grimaced. _Of course he'd realise something's up. I hope he just thinks there's some mischief brewing._

James' hope proved to be unfounded. Andy cornered him at the end of the meeting.

“All right, what's going on? And what do I need to do to fix it?”

“It's not really my place to say. But if you could think of a challenge or two where we could race with three different types of transport like we did that time with the train, car and motorbike, it might not be a bad idea.”

“That bad, is it? I'll see what I can dream up. But for the love of heaven, if you know what's going on, please try to get things back to normal again soon!”

“I'm trying, believe me I'm trying! Not nearly as trying as those two bell-ends though!”

Andy laughed. “Isn't that the truth! Good luck then, and if there's anything I can do to help, just say the word.”

 

********************

 

James continued over the next few weeks to try to explain to Jeremy and Richard what had actually been happening that night in the pub, or at least to get them talking to one another but had no luck. On the few occasions when it looked like he might succeed in his efforts, someone always showed up wanting to film them, interview them, get their autographs.... James began to wonder if he'd offended some deity.

Eventually, Jeremy and Richard started to avoid him too.

 

********************

 

Clearly, desperate measures were called for. After the first planning meeting for their upcoming road trip, James pulled Andy aside. “You know you said you'd help out if I came up with a plan to sort out Jeremy and Richard?”

“Yes,” said Andy, “just tell me what you want me to do - before I end up killing the pair of them!”

“That's Plan B,” said James, grinning. “But seriously, if you can arrange it so that the three of us have to share a room one night on this road trip, then they won't be able to avoid each other.”

“OK, consider it done. But surely just having Jeremy and Richard in the same room would do the trick? No sense in you suffering too!”

“It's a nice thought, but if there are two rooms involved you know Jeremy's going to find some way to blag one of them and make Rich and me share the other. No, it'll have to be one room, and in any case, they may well need a referee.”

“Good point – one room it is then. Sorry, mate!”

“Well, I've been through worse – I expect I'll survive this, even if I end up wishing I hadn't!”

Andy laughed. “I'll get back to the route planning, then, and see if I can find any likely-looking places to strand you.”

 

********************

 

The road trip got under way. Even though relations between the three presenters were still strained, they managed to keep it hidden when they were being filmed. It helped that Andy was able to come up with several challenges that they had to complete individually.

At about the half-way point of the trip, the scouts who'd gone out along the next day's route to make sure nothing had changed since the original reconnaissance came back and reported to Andy. After listening to what they had to say he beckoned James over.

“I think I've got the ideal place to carry out your plan. It'll be when we stop for the night tomorrow. I'm not going to say any more now; just watch and wait.”

The weather forecast for the next day predicted rain, and sure enough, that morning they woke up to a torrential downpour. It kept up all day, leading to several skids into ditches by crew as well as presenters. Though the footage of the presenters digging themselves out of trouble with much mocking and arguments undoubtedly made for good television, by the time they got near their rest stop for the night, they were tired, wet, muddy and miserable.

Andy's voice came over the intercom. “Listen chaps, you've got a choice of accommodation tonight. There's the hostel where the crew and I are staying, or there's a really new luxury hotel. Which one do you fancy?”

James sat up and took notice. Was this what Andy had told him to wait for?

Jeremy's reply came straight away. “To hell with the hostel, I'm staying at the hotel. Hot jacuzzi, booze, good food, soft beds – lead me to it!”

“Same here,” Richard agreed.

“You'll hear no argument from me,” said James.

“Good, that's settled, then. We'll come with you to the hotel and do some filming, then we'll head off to the hostel and leave you three to it.”

 Andy sent a team ahead to film the presenters arriving at the hotel, then the convoy set off again. After a little while, he announced over the intercom, “It's just round this corner, folks.”

 They got round the corner and saw the hotel for the first time.

 There was a pause, and then Jeremy's voice came over the intercom. “It's still being built!!!!!”

James started laughing uncontrollably.

 

********************

 

Though most of the hotel was only present as a framework, the lobby and the wing it was part of seemed to be almost complete. A man came out of the lobby entrance and introduced himself as the caretaker/security guard. He explained that he was the only staff member permanently on site while the hotel was being built, and that the builders were not working that day due to the rain.

“Well, it appears that you won't get to relax in the lap of luxury after all, Jez,” said Andy cheerfully. “But I reckon the viewers will get a good laugh out of it if we pretend that's what's going to happen.” He turned to the caretaker. “Would it be all right if we did some filming here, sir?”

The caretaker was perfectly agreeable to this, and even offered the presenters the use of his own shower to wash the mud off if they would like.

“Right, we'll start with the presenters' reactions to the first sight of the hotel. Did we get Jez and James on tape? Great! Let's start with you then, Rich.”

During a pause in the filming, Andy wandered over to James and said sotto voce, “I bribed the caretaker to tell you there's only one other functional room when you find out you have to stay here – and after he took my money he told me that there WAS only one other functional room, the bastard – and asked a couple of the lads to sabotage your cars to make sure that happens.”

“OK, but tell them not to get too carried away – we do want the cars to start eventually.”

“Trust you to spoil their fun! Now, when Jeremy calls me, and I know he will, I'll tell him that the road's been closed due to flooding and we can't get to you.”

“But what if it doesn't get closed?”

“He won't know that, will he?”

“Good point – I keep forgetting what a good fibber you are! Now you can film me accepting the caretaker's offer and taking a shower, because unlike those two spanners I know I'm not going to be able to shower at the hostel and I'm not risking them using up all the hot water if I wait for them to go first.”

When James got back, Andy called a halt to the filming for the day. “We need to head off to the hostel before it gets dark, and with all this rain I'm worried that the road will flood.” He winked at James.

The crew packed into their vehicles and departed. The presenters went to follow suit, but no matter how much they tried, their cars wouldn't start.

“It's been raining really heavily all day,” ventured James. “Perhaps enough water got into the electrical systems to short something.”

“Oh come on, now,” said Richard, “I don't care how hard it's raining – all three of our cars breaking down at the same time when they were working perfectly well a few hours ago can't be a coincidence!”

“Andy did this, I know it!” bellowed Jeremy. “Wait till I get hold of him, I'll fucking kill him!” He pulled out his cellphone and hit speed dial. A moment later he yelled, “You bloody well know there's a problem, Wilman, you caused it! Now get someone back here right now to pick us up!” Pause. “How can the fucking road be closed, you lot just drove along it?!!!” Another pause, then Jeremy switched off his phone and threw it at the wall in a fit of rage. “They can't come for us, the road's flooded! We have to stay here for the night!”

There was silence for a moment.

Then the caretaker spoke up. “I'm sorry about the inconvenience, gentlemen. I'm afraid the room upstairs from here is the only other one fit to stay in, so you'll have to share it, and the only functional bathroom is just down the corridor from it. I'll go and get the room and bathroom ready for you now, and later I'll put some coffee, cold meat, cheese, bread and fruit out in the lobby so you'll have something to eat and drink.”

He left the room.

“We have to share a room?” Jeremy sounded horrified.

“It won't be the first time,” James pointed out.

“Yes, but...” Richard fell silent.

“Well, whether we like it or not, it seems we're stuck here,” said James. “You might as well both take up the caretaker's kind offer and go and have a nice hot shower.”

“Right!” snapped Jeremy. “I'm going first!” He helped himself to some of the towels and toiletries the caretaker had laid out and stomped into the bathroom.

Richard glared after him. “Selfish bastard!”

James laughed. “And in other news, the world is round! I'm going to go up and have a look at the room. See you later!” He headed off up the stairs.

The room they'd been given had the queen-sized bed that came with the room, and two cot-beds had been set up, one on either side of the big bed. James sighed, sure he'd be sleeping in one of the cot-beds. _Still, at least those two spanners will have to talk to each other now, even if it's only to argue over who gets the bed._

He heard plinking sounds and moved further into the room to investigate. It seemed the rain was bad enough that water had managed to leak through the ceiling in a couple of places; the roof hadn't actually been completed properly, which didn't surprise James in the slightest. The caretaker had helpfully supplied a couple of buckets to catch the drips, hence the plinking sounds. James' brain tried to make out some sort of predictable rhythm to the plinking, and failed miserably. _Wonderful – that's going to keep me awake all night._

James' bladder was also reacting to the sound of the dripping water, and he headed out of the door just as Jeremy came barreling past him into the room, loudly cursing Andy, the weather, the cars, the road, the hotel and anything else he could think of. James waved two fingers at him irritably and marched along the corridor to the bathroom and slammed the door closed. He took care of business and had just opened the bathroom door when he heard Richard cursing his way up the stairs _._

James closed the door again quietly, deciding to wait a while in order to give Jeremy and Richard time to start up an argument. After a few minutes had passed he stuck his head out into the corridor and listened. Silence. He thought he'd better investigate, just in case they'd killed each other. At first when he opened the room door, he thought it was empty, but then he noticed a lump in each of the cot-beds, one big and one small. The covers were pulled up over their heads, and they were fairly obviously not sleeping. James took a deep breath, cast his eyes up to the heavens, then exploded.

“YOU UTTER COCKS!!! I'm sick and tired of running round in circles trying to get you to stop avoiding each other! Both of you get the hell up and start talking NOW!!!”

The not sleeping continued.

“All right, that does it! I know you're awake. If you don't stop this farce right now, I swear I am going to pour cold water over the pair of you!”

There was a muttering sound from the small lump which James, from years of experience, was able to translate to “Where you gonna get the water?”

“In case it's escaped your attention, there's plenty of water coming through the ceiling right now. These two buckets are already half full, and they'll be ready to go in, let me see... volume, rate of flow, where's my phone, I need the calculator app...”

Jeremy threw off the covers and sat up. “All right, all right, spare us the pedantry! Though I really don't see that we need to talk about anything.”

“Same here. I keep telling you there's nothing to discuss,” agreed Richard sulkily, sitting up too.

“Oh really? So the fact that you two have been driving everybody insane lately with your efforts to avoid each other counts as nothing? The fact that Andy has had to rearrange the shooting schedule because you two refuse to associate with each other counts as nothing? This all stems from that night in the pub, and it is damn well going to be discussed right now!

“You both took it upon yourselves to decide how to handle the situation – very badly, I might add. May I remind you that I was in the pub that night too, and not once in all this mess did it occur to either of you to ask me what MY opinion was!”

“Er,” said Richard.

“Um,” said Jeremy.

James folded his arms and looked from one to another, waiting for something more coherent to be said. Nothing was forthcoming.

“Well, you obviously don't care what I think,” he waved away the protests, “but I'm going to tell you anyway. Jeremy, you sprang your bisexuality on us completely out of the blue. Of course it was going to take us a while to process, especially since Richard was totally bladdered. Richard, you couldn't have chosen a worse time to make your pass at us. You should have waited until everyone was sober. Though I suppose you were too bladdered to realise that, which also meant that you made the pass in the worst possible way. And finally, neither of you two knobs would listen to me when I tried to set you straight, drunk or sober.

“Now, you've both suggested many times that I'm a 'homosexualist', but you haven't registered that despite all my protests, I've never totally denied it.“

Jeremy and Richard were now paying rapt attention to James.

“So – yes I am. And I've been watching the two of you showing a near-obsessive interest in all things gay while living in a state of denial about your own sexuality until that night in the pub and again afterwards.”

“I have not,” blustered Jeremy.

“Yes you have! That time Stephen Fry showed you Grindr and you were so eager to drive to where the nearest homosexual was – what were you expecting would happen when you got there?”

“I, er, actually hadn't thought that far ahead.”

James shook his head in fond exasperation. “Your trouble is you just don't think, you spanner.” He turned his attention to Richard. “And as for you...”

“I've never totally denied it either,” Richard said quietly. “I'm bisexual - art school gave me plenty of opportunity to find that out. Mindy knows about it – we've always been honest with each other – and she's ok with it as long as I keep it safe. I've never done anything about it, though. At first I was worried about gossip when my broadcasting career was taking off, then I met you, Jez, and later on you, James, and that was it for me. No other man... well, that was why I was so ready to make a pass when the opportunity seemed to be there.”

“I see,” said James. “That certainly simplifies things. Anyway, I haven't finished giving my opinion yet, so both of you stop distracting me and let me finish.”

“But we weren't...”

“CLARKSON!!! SHUT UP!!! You too, Rich.”

Jeremy closed his mouth and Richard made a lip-zipping gesture.

“As it happens, I'm very much in favour of the idea. For all the clumsiness of what you said in the pub, Rich, you made some very good points. We do know each other very well – well enough to make the transition from friends to lovers relatively easily, I'd think. We'd argue about it a lot, obviously, because that's what we do – but quite frankly I think that's a big part of what would make it work for us. It would be very convenient, and we know we can rely on each other to be discreet, for values of discreet that include constantly accusing each other of being 'homosexualists' on air! And well, I know I said I was watching you being in denial, but a lot of the time I was just watching you because I liked what I saw.

“I know that you feel the same way as I do, Rich.”

Richard nodded.

“So that just leaves you, Jez.” James walked round to the side of the bed nearest Jeremy's cot and sat down, gazing at Jeremy intently. “How do you feel about this?” he asked gently. “Do you want us? If you don't, just say so. The subject will end here and we'll still be friends, right Richard?”

“Right,” Richard said. He was watching Jeremy longingly.

Jeremy met James' gaze, blushing furiously. “I do want you both, very much. Actually, I think that when I mentioned that the last time I was dating was on Old Top Gear I was secretly hoping you'd guess who it was, but then when you did I panicked, jumped to the wrong conclusion about what Rich was saying and ran away.”

James smiled, then swiveled round to recline on the bed. “Why don't you both come and join me and we can discuss this further? It's far more comfortable here than on those cots!”

Richard scrambled eagerly onto the bed; Jeremy was slower, but no less eager.

The discussion was mostly non-verbal, but still very satisfying...

 


End file.
